First time sharing my ROCD

I’ve been with my boyfriend for three years. This past year we were at the best place we have ever been which honestly isn’t saying too because we’ve always had a pretty healthy relationship but last year we took a lot of big steps together. Moving in together, spending more time with each other’s family, sharing milestones like graduation with each other and our families. At some point I started getting real nit picky. Analyzing everything that he did. Constantly checking if I found him attractive. Comparing him and our relationship to what people around us looked like. It started to feel like everything he did I found a flaw in and it made me feel horrible. I’m with the best guy ever and he is so dedicated and loving. I would push these thoughts away, try and pray them away and that would work for a while. Eventually it felt like I was going insane. Things that I never( in all my years of dating) cared about now seemed to be all that I could focus on. I started measuring my attraction to everyone ( people who before this I never even gave a second thought to). I just wish I knew why it’s like this now or what triggered the intrusive thoughts. It makes me wonder if I’m settling but then I don’t feel like anything about him could ever be considered settling. I’m constantly praying for a sign or divine intervention. It wasn’t until I stumbled across a TikTok post that described Relationship Anxiety that I finally felt seen, like to a T every detail described what I’ve been feeling and doing. I’m not sure how ROCD differers from Relationship Anxiety but I’m hoping that by finally sharing and not holding this all in I can start to face and conquer this.

Username: Dalia H.Dalia H.

Date posted: 48w ago

It’s definitely ROCD. I’ve been there. I am in the healthiest happiest relationship I could ever ask for, with the most amazing guy, but I have had ROCD “episodes” (that can last for weeks or months), during which I am just comparing attraction constantly. Since you’re new to the idea of having OCD, I just wanted to give you a small reminder/warning that OCD can and will make you feel things that are SO realistic that you will have trouble believing it’s just OCD. When I was in the midst of a particularly bad episode last year, I was “testing” my attraction to my partner literally 24/7. It got so severe that I felt like I had entirely lost all attraction to him. It got so severe that I had this weird feeling of not even being able to think of him if that makes sense. Like I couldn’t picture him, it was like he never existed and like I had lost all connection to him, like our memories meant nothing. That was particularly freaky. For months it was like my attraction was just entirely gone (which is very unusual for me). I was convinced it was over and I’d lost feelings. I’m saying this not to scare you, but I think it is important to know that you may start feeling things that feel extremely realistic (even repulsion), and you might have trouble believing it’s just OCD. And I wanted to offer some peace of mind and remind you that yes, it can be OCD, even if it’s THAT realistic, even if it feels so real. And remember that it WILL stop eventually. It may come back, it might always keep coming back every now and then, but it can and will stop eventually when it desensitizes you enough. And you will be able to feel “normal” in your relationship again, trust me. I didn’t think it was possible for me given how seriously I felt like my feelings had changed. But it’s now been a year and we are doing better than ever and I love him like I did before the OCD bit

Username: AnonymousAnonymous

Date posted: 48w ago

@Dalia H. I’m grateful for your response. I’ve had some moments that I was almost convinced that leaving and exploring options would be best but then I remember that during a four month break up period( unrelated to my ROCD) I did date a little and found that/ what I have with my boyfriend if rare. ROCD sometimes makes me question what I already know. It’s made me loose some confidence in myself and trusting myself.

Username: Dalia H.Dalia H.

Date posted: 48w ago

@Anonymous Breakup urges are extremely common with ROCD. Sometimes people get so overwhelmed with their anxiety that they start to feel like leaving would be the best solution. ROCD is a monster like that. It’s always important to remember not to make any big decisions during an episode. When OCD is acting up, you are not thinking “clearly” and you may have urges or thoughts that are NOT representative of what you really feel. It’s always best to wait for the peak of the anxiety to pass before making any big decisions. OCD will always make you question what you know, that’s why it used to be called “the doubting disease.” It’s awful like that, but moments of clarity WILL come eventually

Username: LittlemisshissLittlemisshiss

Date posted: 48w ago

@Anonymous Yes! We also had a four month break, earlier this year, and I couldn’t agree more. That last sentence is like your taking the words from my mouth 😵‍💫

Username: LittlemisshissLittlemisshiss

Date posted: 48w ago

I recently learned about ROCD for the first time and had that same ah-ha moment. Where it felt I was being described to a T and that was such a relief. I’d say your trigger for these thoughts is probably the fact that you are so strong right now, that you did experience all of these new life events together, that inevitably makes any couple stronger. From personal experience this is what triggers me bc it’s almost like, you’re doing so great that you start to think big picture. Am I content with being with this person forever?! Am I actually attracted to him? Am I settling? I get it, I face these too. Feels like a form of self sabotage when things are great, focus on something that normally you couldn’t care less about just to make an excuse to question the relationship. Then we feel guilty and rinse and repeat. In the end I find comfort in asking myself would I really be happier if we broke up. Really playing that through in my head, every-time I quickly come to the conclusion that would definitely not make me happy. It’s totally normal for us to question our relationship when it takes that turn to a more serious long term commitment. I’ve been with my boyfriend 4 years and as we are coming up on another big life change my ROCD has taken over and this is how I have actually learned I have it. It’s scary to question the person you love in your head so much.

Username: AnonymousAnonymous

Date posted: 48w ago

@Littlemisshiss Every time I think about us breaking up because of this it doesn’t even make sense to me. I’m grateful that I can finally share this with someone. I did therapy before and it kind of felt brushed off as normal relationship doubt or even ungratefulness( which was definitely how I felt). Having a name for it has helped me feel like with proper treatment it can be tacked. From my understanding of ROCD even if we were to break up and I end up in another healthy relationship if left unchecked it could resurface. I also don’t want this to linger so long that these feeling and emotions are all I remember from this stage in my relationship. I find myself taking mental notes of all the good times just so when I get to the other side I can say “see, there was still some good there”.

Username: AnonymousAnonymous

Date posted: 48w ago

Then after discovering Relationship Anxiety I felt peace for while but then the thoughts of the thoughts would bother me. Like what?!

Username: Carolll35

Date posted: 1y ago

If you have ROCD read this.

I have rocd. It’s the worst feeling being with the love of your life and having these thoughts. I have been with my boyfriend for a year and few months and I just wish this disorder wasn’t even a thing. From the start of us being together I knew and felt he was perfect and EVERYTHING I’ve always wanted. I had thoughts about everything you can name of. If I love him or not, do I like other people instead, if he’s ugly, if I like him only because of his looks, comparing other relationships, if he did one thing off or different question if I really know him, thought he was a different person then what I really knew him for, believing and having the thoughts every single one feel real. It’s a nightmare. Because I would literally die on the instead from telling him these things when he never did anything. I have gotten much better with the love, and looks and all that but there’s always new “targets” as me and him say. It’s like I can never truly run away. I think of how easy it is for others in relationships since they don’t have this and I just want that with him. It’s been a year and a few months and yes we’ve went through hell and back and a lot of things have gotten better but not fully. Hopefully soon enough they will and EVRYTHING will be much better. I just want him. I can’t do anything without him like he’s really the first person I only ever imagined a future with. A future that I wanted to be married and have kids and just live a beautiful life with. I want his pain and suffering to end with all these thoughts he’s heard throughout the year. I never mean to hurt him. I never mean to break him. I just want him. I can’t lose him. If you have ROCD, it’s good your here. Get help, get support, talk to someone about this because it will get better. I’ve had my amazing days. 4 days straight! I never had that before but I lost it and trying to get it back. I know I will, just gotta keep trying hard. My boyfriend helps me so much by supporting and telling me “Your ocd is not you, these thoughts aren’t you, ocd attacks anything you care about.” I couldn’t be more lucky to have him. I’m the luckiest girl alive. He makes me feel that way and I just want this to be over already. I love him so much. Idk if this helps anyone with ROCD, but you’re not alone. Search up videos the help understand, pay attention and watch what you can do to fix it because it is. I’m not there yet but I will not give up, so everyone out there with any type of OCD. We can do this. Confidence is key. Don’t give up. We’re all here to help one another, and ofc regular support with friends family and definitely therapy.

Relationship OCD

Username: Anonymous

Date posted: 1y ago

Rocd

I’ve been in my relationship for almost 9 years and I’ve been married to him for one year. I love him so much, he is such a great man so patient and caring and kind. And I’m very lucky to have him honestly I feel like it’s really hard for people to find someone they love so much they are willing to do anything for that person even though they may get on your nerves sometimes. But unfortunately I’ve been experiencing rocd I’ve been doubting how I really feel about him, if I actually love him, if I love him “enough” rather I want to be with him, I’ve been questioning what if I end up liking someone else? What if I do like someone else? What if he isn’t enough? What if that’s why I’m feeling the way I’m feeling? Feeling guilty at the same time because I feel like he deserves the world, and I feel like I’m letting him down (although he has been super supportive) I feel like I’m not giving him what he deserves. And it’s been an ongoing anxious feeling like a ball of fear in my stomach crying asking god why, having panic attacks and constantly fearing the worst possible outcome. All I want is to be able to be happy again and sit with him and live our lives happily and forget that this ever happened but it feels impossible. It’s like I know I love him and that I want to be with him but I can’t get these thoughts to go away. And the thought of “you’ve been with him for so long if it was actually ocd this would’ve happened awhile ago” keep getting to me or feeling like what if it’s not ocd? What if this is actually how I feel and if it is then how can I move forward with him? I don’t like talking about how I feel much besides to him and my closest friends, and it’s really hard for me to fully open up but I want to be able to share how I’ve been feeling so that maybe someone on here can feel not so alone. Everything I look up for rocd it happens a lot earlier within the relationship and everyone has their version of it. And it’s hard to find people that just start experiencing it way later in their relationship so I really do hope that someone that is going through the same thing sees this and just knows their not alone and I really hope I don’t trigger anyone else. This is something that is awful dealing with it’s like living in your personal hell. It’s by far one of the hardest things I’ve had to deal with, I’ve been feeling so exhausted and drained today. I’ve been very sad and just very gloomy today (I also deal with depression) and I have tried everything to make me feel better but it’s just one of those days. Everyone stay safe and you’re not alone, I really hope that each of you overcome your ocd for the better.

Relationship OCD

Username: Blueberry

Date posted: 1y ago

Having ROCD and SO-OCD with a BF is the worst…

First time posting! My therapist recommended that I give this app a look. Hopefully this isn’t too much to read and a another trigger warning for anyone sensitive to SA and sexual themes (straight and gay). Anyways I’ve been with my boyfriend for almost 3 years now and he is my first. During the first year we were together, I actually got diagnosed with OCD and ADHD. Was on meds for both but stopped because I didn’t want to be reliant on meds and wanted to overcome them without it. The OCD started off with ROCD. I constantly had thoughts about cheating on him and leaving him because “I’m not his type” or he only got with me because he’s desperate. I freak out sometimes when he looks at my phone because I think that I downloaded a dating app and a notification will pop up. I would constantly ask for reassurance from him and make sure he loved me for who I am. I constantly felt guilty and had anxiety attacks whenever the thoughts came in. The thoughts deceive me into thinking that I’m unhappy with the relationship and that it’s doomed to end. Then it evolved into SO-OCD. A quick backstory was that I always and only had crushes on boys up until college. I went to an art school where most of not all of the girls were part of the LGBT+. I think that influenced me to be more “open” with my sexuality. I had a friend who was a girl who I “developed” a crush on. I’m pretty sure it was because I liked the attention and being influenced by a lot of my friends. What makes me think it was just because of attention was that I never thought about the sexual part. I was very lonely and craved any amount of attention and I was desperately wanting to be loved. I never dated anyone in my life and it showed. I even confessed but she rejected me. Later I was constantly sexualized by who I thought were my friends. I was even molested and groped by a girl while I was drunk and high and was about to pass out. Ever since then I’ve been very cautious around female friends especially if I’ve been drinking. When I was confident enough to go on dating apps I only put interested in men since I was sure I am straight. My SO-OCD makes me not trust the women in my life and not to get close to any female. I have thoughts that I am a lesbian in denial and that I am lying to everyone around me. That I’m leading my boyfriend on and that I should be with a women. Looking at myself in the mirror and imagining a lesbian lifestyle. When I try on certain clothes or get my hair done I think “I look so gay” or “I should get a pixie cut or shave my head so I look more gay”. (I’m sorry if that part offends anyone i’m just repeating my thoughts). I have detailed visions in my head of my having sex with women even though the thought repulses me. I get triggered from looking at a gay couple or even having conversations with a woman in the store. I constantly think that I should ask them out even though I have a boyfriend and I’m not really interested. I even have thoughts of messaging my family and coming out. I feel so guilty looking at my boyfriend and having those thoughts cloud my mind. Recently it’s been getting so bad that I’m convinced im completely gay and that im not attracted to him anymore. Sometimes I wish that I didn’t go to that college and maybe none of these thoughts would happen. I also feel that my OCD is invalidated because of my past. Like the OCD uses it as leverage to validate the intrusive thoughts. It makes me feel like I’m never going to get over this sometimes. I’m lucky enough to have the most amazing and understand boyfriend. Even though it is hard to tell him my thoughts he doesn’t judge me at all or take it personally. I feel super guilty whenever I get these thoughts because I love him to death. He means a the world to me and it kills me that I have these thoughts. Couldn’t ask for someone better to fight the OCD battle with. If you made it this far, thank you for reading. I appreciate it a lot and hopefully it wasn’t too much at a time. ❤️

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First time sharing my ROCD

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