Fake feelings?

Ocd warriors please some advice ❤️ Are fake feelings a thing? Or am I just making stuff up. Sometimes I “feel” all these horrible things about my partner but I know even in those moments deep down that I love him! And when I’m not in those moments it’s not even just deep down that I love him - it’s right there, on the surface. I even feel guilty typing ‘deep down’ but it’s the only way I can try and explain it. I’m a 13hr shift tomorrow and I can’t even bare to think of it and how I will get through it feeling the way I do. For the first time in a while I’ve had suicidal thoughts and that’s not really like me. My fake ‘feelings’ make me feel I’ve betrayed my boyfriend, and I feel I’m not in control and have opposite actions. For example actions I don’t want to do, that I do. E.g, leaning too close over a colleague when reaching for something near them. I don’t know what else to do?

I have been involved in religion my whole life. My religious community is caring, supportive and patient. Nevertheless I feel anxiety when faced with the thought or idea that it is all based on a lie or human invention. At these times the only thing I can think about to get relief from the anxiety is leaving. I go to services even though I know these will compound these feelings. Is there a way to address the doubts and uncertainty in a healthy way without feeding the beast?

I keep having this reoccurring feeling that I don’t actually believe in god. Sometimes I feel numb towards. I’ve just deal with so much because of religious ocd and I just don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t want this feeling though. And I’m worried it’s real and that it means something. It’s like I worry that I don’t actually believe in god because I’m not freaking out about going to hell anymore. I wish I had my old relationship with Jesus back.