My story! HARM OCD & Fear of mental illness OCD

i have worked with children for 10 years. they are so important to me and my life. i think they are amazing. i know this is why OCD decided to target this and make me feel afraid of what i love and am good at and value in life. i have become so terrified of sexualizing or abusing a child, which is of course what my intrusive thoughts are about. some are verbal, others are visual. they are all horrible and panic inducing. my POCD was triggered by a movie i saw about a groomer/sexual predator. i also have PTSD from child abuse, some of which was sexual in nature. i became so scared of hurting a child the way i was hurt after seeing something similar onscreen, and started getting the intrusive thoughts. i googled my symptoms, and was able to book a call with NOCD almost immediately, and get diagnosed/educated/start ERP therapy. when POCD first struck, i had to miss work, i was vomiting and having panic attacks and unable to function, i couldnt look in the mirror, couldnt eat and got so thin, i looked awful because i couldnt groom properly, i abandoned my social life, i nearly resigned from my teaching position, almost took medical leave from my day job, (i was able to keep both jobs thanks to treatment), i could hardly leave my home, i was contemplating suicide, or contemplating leaving my working/social lives and moving back in with my abusive family and going on disability and never speaking to anyone ever again. every day was anguish and horror and pain. now, just 1 month of meds and ERP later, I am able to eat, socialize, take care of myself, go to work, have a will to live, and recognize that these thoughts are not representative of who I am, want, or believe. I am doing so much better, it is shocking. a couple of my friends know about my POCD and have been so amazing and caring and accepting--i could not be healing the way i am without them either. i feel incredibly lucky to have found the help that i have. I still cry multiple times every day and fall victim to the thoughts. they are just so difficult to "accept." but i am getting there. day by day, i improve, but sometimes it is like two steps forward and one step back. it is all still so distressing. it's been helpful to focus on living my values and not letting OCD stop me from doing what's good and important for me. this includes working with kids and being around my friends, two things that terrified me in the beginning. i live with so much shame, and feel like i have a horrible secret. this has been the worst thing i have ever been through. i hope to keep getting better and to surmount this entirely. i have hope now, which i have come to realize is invaluable. and i hope this gives you some too.

It’s amazing how powerful OCD is, I went through the worst Mental Health experience of my entire life last year. I thought my life was over, that I was insane, and was convinced 100% I had schizophrenia. My brain was mimicking every symptom. It was terrifying. After starting OCD therapy and ERP. My life changed forever. I was actually mental stable for once. I felt happy and controlled for once. Now Schiz OCD is back , and it seems worse then before. I can’t sleep, eat, work, or even socialize. I constantly feel insane. My two biggest themes are Harm OCD and Schiz OCD. And these themes work together to cause me constant anxiety. It’s hell. I can’t even think straight. I’m currently dealing with DP/DR, command thoughts/voice, internal voices/thoughts that I can make not sound like me or my inner monologue, “What if” delusional thoughts,hyperviligance,checking if I hear or see anything externally(auditory and visual hallucinations) and many more. I question my insight constantly. I even went to the hospital the other day to get evaluated and make sure I don’t have psychosis. Everything I fear the most seems to be coming true. Constantly asking my parents and therapist/professionals if I have schizophrenia. Constantly looking for reassurance. Feels as if I’m thinking my way into psychosis and schizophrenia. OCD knows exactly what you fear and will try to one up you on anything. OCD will CONVINCE you everything that’s happening to you is true , all your biggest fears. OCD is trying to find new things to keep you stuck and hold you in fear. This experience has been horrible and I am convinced I’m going insane. But I’ve been through this once and I’m going to get through this again. STAY STRONG. Reach out to professionals, Resist compulsions, step into the fear, and relax a little bit. You’re not alone.

Hey everyone! I’m new here and thought that it might help to get my OCD story off my chest. My intrusive thoughts are so bad that I never want to talk about them to anyone so maybe that’s why I’m here. When I was 13 my grandma was in the hospital. She was my best friend in the whole world. I imagined so much life with her. I remember pulling into the hospital one day with my Dad and immediately knocking on “wood” (the car door) to help put me at ease about my grandmas health before going in. I knocked on wood because everyone knows that’s what you do when you don’t want something to happen. I didn’t want anything bad to happen to her so bad that all I could think about in that moment was something bad happening. So I knocked on wood. It made me feel better so I kept doing it whenever I had bad thoughts. But then it going confusing. If this was helping ease these thoughts, why was I starting to have these thoughts more frequently? 13 year old me didn’t understand what I was doing or why these bad thoughts started. It had got so bad that I was knocking on wood every second of the day, every surface I came across that felt right, and if I didn’t I would force myself to turn around and touch that surface. I would have to knock on wood 8 times every single time but the 7 would have two knocks because the word 7 have two syllables. But then the 8 times wouldn’t be enough, I still wouldn’t feel satisfied so I would do it again and again and again until my entire day was overpowered by intrusive thoughts or knocking on wood. My family and friends started to notice, asking why I do it. I would always avoid the question or make a joke out of it because I couldn’t tell them these terrible thoughts I was having. I was so deeply afraid of something bad happening to the people I love the most or myself that it was debilitating. A couple years later I noticed how bad it had gotten and wanted a change. So I forced myself to stop knocking. I would tell myself angrily that nothing bad would happen if I don’t knock. It took me a lot of convincing and small steps to realize this, but it worked. I got better. I went to the doctors office at about 15 and told them everything. How I did this but how I solved this. They told me it takes great mental strength to be able to fight something in your brain like that. I have always been so mentally strong but hearing them say that made me feel so much better. And I was better. For years. Yea I went through times when it was bad again but it was so much better. The past couple years it has gotten worse again. I noticed that it gets worse when my anxiety about things is higher. New changes, new people, new things. Now, at 21 I won’t let myself get back to the point I was when I was 13, but recently I can’t seem to keep the intrusive thoughts out. I am so terrified of myself or someone else getting hurt of getting older that I put the whole toll on myself. I am so so so happy with my life right now that I don’t want anything to change. That is why it’s been so bad recently. Life is amazing which is why I only want it to get better and I’m so scared something might get in the way of that. I realized after talking to my friends that I never want to say my intrusive thoughts out-loud because I believe strongly in speaking things into existence so I only speak good things out loud. That’s how I’ve always been. But when I talked with my friend she said she’s the opposite, she says the bad things out loud because then you jinx them and they won’t happen. Her saying that gave me a little peace because it made me realize that it’s okay to get these things off my chest and that saying these things out loud isn’t so serious, it’s not life or death like I thought it was. Honestly, the weight of getting my story off my chest has already helped me feel a little lighter of a load on myself.