I know ocd is great at this i just want to share my story, hope someone can help me here.
At first i want to say i know faith isnt about feelings, that you always feel that God is here with you, but its been weeks now that ive been struggling to feel His presents. I choose to think He is here with me but its been hard now, sometimes something happens and i say look here was God, but through the day i dont feel that feeling what i used to feel before, idk it was really comforting and gave me confidence and i could be myself around people, now i struggle feeling this. And i dont know if the problem is that i want to experience that feeling again. I just know when i was there it wasnt everything pink and sparkle and i was levitating in the sky, no i still experienced hardships, but i was able to go through them with a clear mind,.soberly, and i actually learned things, but now i just feel im going around... and ive been questioning whats the problem, why i dont feel God presence. I tried to see if i feel unloveble, or if theres something im struggling to relate, i found that im hard on myself sometimes, but i do use that method to respond kindly when im so hard with myself, but i get angry and i started to hate that when i start to be kind. Anyone can help me about that? Its that normal, part of recovery, cause im feeling bad about myself that when i want to be kind to myself i hate that, i hate that tone, cause its like i want to make myself happy with fake posivity, even wheb i say "is all right, youre loved" i just cringe cause i get angry and like its not solving the problem... so am o have to accept i will react to that now with anger? It even got to a point where i questioned do i really believe in God, cause i dont feel like it... so i think this relating can be the problem but idk how to change that, i even feel bad about feeling anger when i try to be kind with myself. Its not that i blame myself, its more that i feel like im avoiding learning to be better with this fake positivity, cause what i experienced in my life, the people who used this "its okay everyone has bad habits, we are humans" it used as an apology for their actions, like and avoidance, maybe they felt bad about it, but i didnt see work on trying to change that bad to a good thing, it was just moving on. So now when i hear "God still loves me" it triggers this in me, and i feel like i do the same and im not trying to learn, i just use fake positivity to feel better about myself. Idk if this is why the anger comes up but this is the story i have. I should work on being more kind to myself but what to do with the resistance and the feeling that i just use fake positivity to get out of shame and realizing the problem.
