My story: feeling lost in my thoughts and numbness

Hi everyone, I’m struggling with what I believe is ROCD, but it feels so real and overwhelming that I don’t know what to trust anymore. I wanted to share my thoughts and experiences, hoping someone can relate and maybe help me feel a little less alone. Lately, I’ve been feeling completely disconnected and numb toward my boyfriend. I don’t know if I love him, and I’m constantly questioning my feelings. Sometimes when we’re together, I feel like I don’t want to talk to him, or I find him annoying, boring, or even cringe. Then, I feel immense guilt because he’s a loving and caring person who doesn’t deserve this. I have these intrusive thoughts that say: • “You don’t love him.” • “You’re just pretending.” • “You’re fed up with him.” • “You want someone else.” Sometimes, it doesn’t even come as a question like “What if?” — it comes as a statement, which makes it even scarier. And because I feel numb or indifferent when these thoughts come, it feels like they must be true. I’m also terrified that this isn’t ROCD, that maybe I’m not experiencing anxiety at all, and that these thoughts reflect how I truly feel. This fear is paralyzing and makes everything worse. I feel trapped, wondering if I’m just in denial and avoiding the truth. When I’m with him, I get caught in mental compulsions like: • Checking my feelings constantly to see if I feel love. • Comparing how I feel now to how I used to feel. • Seeking reassurance by thinking things like, “If I didn’t love him, would I feel this bad?” • Replaying memories to convince myself that I care about him. • Reading posts about ROCD to feel better, but the relief never lasts. I also feel like I’m ruining my relationship day by day. I get irritable and rude, and I know it hurts him, which makes me feel like a horrible person. I worry that I’m pushing him away and that one day he’ll give up on me, and it’ll be all my fault. Sometimes, I have moments where I feel happy to see him, and that confuses me even more. I recently saw him for a few minutes while I was out with my friends, and I felt joy seeing him. But when we’re together for longer, my mind gets flooded with doubts and fears again. I hate myself for feeling this way. I feel like I’m failing him, and failing myself. I’m scared that I’m in denial, that I don’t really love him, and that I’m forcing myself to be in this relationship. The numbness makes me feel like I don’t care, but deep down, I want to care. I want to love him, feel happy with him, and just be normal. But my thoughts keep telling me otherwise, and I feel trapped in this loop. If anyone has gone through something similar, or has any advice on how to manage these thoughts and compulsions, I’d be so grateful. I just want to know that I’m not alone, and that there’s a way through this. Thank you for reading. 💔

Username: 1twilightloverr1twilightloverr

Date posted: 3d ago

i’ve been going thru the exact same thing! sometimes our thoughts like to infiltrate on things that make us happy or stuff we care about the most. it’s the ocd talking! just a week ago i was so sure im in love and i had a dream that triggered it all and i started a new job. although for me it feels real i know it isn’t and ive been sitting with the uncomfortableness because i know it will go away with time! dont be so hard on yourself and you’ll get thru it

Username: LiaExe28LiaExe28

Date posted: 3d ago

Yeah I’ve been dealing with this too, I felt love literally 20 mins ago, but then it went away and it’s not causing me anxiety. I don’t like it. I know I love him and want a future with him but my brain is like “you sure about that?” And I feel numb and I’m worrying that’s the clarity in seeking. But I know it’s not. Cuz I’m still reading and posting on boards like this. We’re interfaith as well so the uncertainty of everything is through the roof. Even tho I want it. It’s beautiful being in this relationship, a little scary, but beautiful and I feel warm thinking about it but my brain tries to take that warm feeling and make me think it’s anxiety and that I don’t want this

Username: hannahshriverhannahshriver

Date posted: 3d ago

hello! yes i went through a similar experience in the last few months (i have ROCD). it is really hard and i felt a lot of guilt! i know it feels comforting to seek reassurance, preforming mental checks, and google but this leads to your spiral getting worse in the long run :(. if you are able i’d highly recommend talking to a therapist and also to look into implementing erp practices and values-based practice into how you are interacting with your thoughts! some of the things that help me are saying to myself “i can handle uncertainty and unknown situations”, “maybe that will happen, maybe it won’t”, or literally just saying “i’m ruminating right now”. all of these things help me ride the anxiety that comes with the obsessions! wishing you the best and remember everyone struggles 🫶🏻

Username: MariabaeMariabae

Date posted: 3d ago

@hannahshriver unfortunately i cant go to a therapist

Username: MariabaeMariabae

Date posted: 3d ago

i mean i know im not alone and i have been posting on here quite often but i wanted to make a long post abt this😞

Username: Butterfly_23

Date posted: 1y ago

ROCD

General statement/question for anyone who can possibly relate: I've been struggling with ROCD for about 3 months now, the typical "do I actually love him", "what if I don't and I'm just leading him on", "why don't I feel connected any more, this must mean something is wrong with us", "planning the future makes me anxious because we might break up"...the list goes on. I've been especially struggling these past few days. I want a big future with this man and I've never second guessed it until all these intrusive thoughts have come into my life with a bang. I hate them. I feel so emotionally drained and incapable of enjoying the moments I have with him because I'm constantly thinking about the things missing. The fact I struggle to stay present. As we all probably know the age old reassurance after an anxiety inducing thought- I do this fairly often, googling my thoughts and why I'm feeling this way. I am so beyond exhausted. I know I want to marry this man and a future with him isn't scary, it's just significant moments that trigger me and suddenly I'm spiring into the OCD cycle again. I just want to know other people feel the same? I've been feeling so flat and disconnected from everyone, especially him which breaks my heart. I know I love him, so deeply - even writing that my brain said "are you sure you do?". I just want to see if other people experience ROCD similar to me. Thanks

Relationship OCD

Username: peachy!

Date posted: 1y ago

having trouble with rocd

hi! I'm really struggling with rocd right now. I have a boyfriend that I'm very in love with, and havent doubted that until now. I've been struggling with what I think is derealization, which has caused myself to feel distant from him, and like he isnt actually my boyfriend. because of this, I now I keep getting repetitive intrusive thoughts that I dont love him, and that I never loved him, and that I don't even know him. its terrifying. I've told him about this, and hes very supportive. he knows I still love him, and just wants to help me. but I'm so terrified of these thoughts to the point of almost believing them. if anyone else has struggled with this, how do you cope? I've been trying to reassure myself of my memories of him, and looking at things I do currently that show I still have love for him, but I would love some other ideas since it's still hard to convince myself. thank u!!

Relationship OCD

Username: JosieSimons

Date posted: 39w ago

Help me know I’m not alone

Can anyone else with ROCD tell me their experience with it and their partner? How you’ve navigated it and how it’s affected you? I just need ti know I’m not alone with my thoughts that throw themselves into me when I’m with my girlfriend. Thoughts of hating her, of hitting her, breaking up with her, being angry for no reason, and more recently a forced numbness that scares me. I think the numb could be separate and could be stress and burnout from taking care of her the past few weeks emotionally without breaks pretty much and I’ve been drained and I’m scared my love for her won’t come back but I’m sure that’s not true. I’m sure it will. I hope it will but before when I had these thoughts they scared me a lot more now in more numb to them. I get scared that if I’m not obsessing over her then I don’t love her, or if I don’t want to be with her 24/7 then I shouldn’t be with her at all. Could anyone share their experiences?

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My story: feeling lost in my thoughts and numbness

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